It´s been a couple of weeks since I had to let go of being too hard on myself and allowing more space for breathing, for being in the quiet. Which, in turn meant also making a break in working on my book. Which is strange, but feels good: finally I can allow myself to take a break from what I HAVE TO do. Even though writing is what I enjoy, but writing the book has required much discipline for the last few months.
In that time when I just had to go into this new phase, I found a poem, “by accident”, of course, about a hole in the chest. A hole that one works on filling so badly the whole life by anything and anyone just not to have that emptiness inside. I had to cry. Even though I consider myself a spiritual person, I, too, have done things in life that I could have handled better, and I guess all the distraction, even “the good one” like reading, could be an attempt to fill that hole. Like when I was a kid and read to run away from my real life that wasn´t where I wanted to be at times.
This time of taking more time to be more quiet had lead to certain revelations and actually, admitting that there is a “hole in the chest” isn´t so bad at all. A part of it is allowing myself not being so hard on myself. And that is where I feel a clash with the opinions that I have been led by since my late teens: striving to achieve and achieve again might be a trap. Like Morrie, in “Tuesdays with Morrie” I have to remind myself of that the culture doesn´t always make itself work for our good. Is it that I have been drawn into a constant rat race of always getting things done (this had brought good results) or is being quiet and allowing space for myself actually okay? It does feel tight. Or is it the time of the year when everything slows down and I have a privilege of being able to slow down, too, and go within?
What I´d say for sure, is don´t be too hard on yourself. Have quiet moments for yourself throughout the day in the ways that are comfortable for you. See what makes you a kinder person, to yourself and to others.
I can compare myself with a relative that only nags about their lack of purpose. That person for sure could do something about their live. And then I think of someone else close to me that maybe didn´t achieve much according to the “normal” standards, but gives me so much love and kindness, that them living a simple life doesn´t ask for striving for something off the charts.
“Love is the only rational act.” (Tuesdays with Morrie)
When I make a step away from the culture of striving to achieve, I realize that one of the most important things in life isn´t what I have come to leave behind, but my connections with people. We leave a mark in their lives and that love is what we can keep in our hearts, realizing that it can make that “hole in the chest” feel pretty warm, and life is very simple, indeed. Being in the quiet on my own has always nourished me, but now I know that looking into that hole is okay, it´s a process of trusting and being curious of the goodness that can come out of it.