Have you reflected on the fact that we are so programmed, so set to think of others in certain ways, that once something happens, – a person A says this or that to us, – we tend to see it based on our past experiences and our mind automatically labels it in a certain way, so that we can say: “Yup, that´s an asshole because of this and that.”
Yet, with our tendency to see the world in a way that we desire to see it, because we have a picture of our perfect reality, we might loose connection with others simply because we set our minds to see those people through our own projections. “That´s nothing new!” you´ll say. Yet, again and again this happens in our lives. I am sure an example of it. Someone does or does not do a certain thing and there you go, I form an opinion about that gentleman or a lady purely based on one act or a few words.
Here´s a real life story. A mother and a daughter didn´t have a very warm relationship. The mother was short and cold and the daughter would sometimes wonder if her mother loved her at all. She knew her mother didn´t approve of some of her life choices which to her, – the daughter, – were, as the matter of fact, very important, and she would rather see her mom stand by her and be supportive than show disapproval and disappointment. The relationship missed the warm and fuzzy feeling and the daughter even gave up on it somewhat, yet still in her heart talking to her mother and thanking her for being there in her life and telling her she would have loved them to have a deeper relationship.
One night the daughter faced a difficulty: there was a bureaucratic process she had to deal with and she was stuck. She didn´t want to ask her mom for help, so she found someone else instead. But then they found out there was a technical issue and that friend wasn´t able to help even if she wanted to. So, the young lady had no choice, but to turn to her mom. Without expectations, she asked for her help.
How great was the daughter´s surprise, gratitude and appreciation when her mother just did what she had asked for. No questions or remarks, no nothing. She just did it. The daughter couldn´t have turned to many people for it, and she hadn’t wanted to ask her mom for help because she knew her mom didn’t approve of her, so why stir the water. Yet her mother was there for her. Even if she still didn´t approve of her. Wow!
That was the moment when the daughter yet again realized that she was probably one of the culprits of that relationship being cold and distant: through her opinion of her mother she created this reality where her mother didn´t approve of her, and therefore didn´t love her, with other words therefore to her it meant that there was no love and the relationship was doomed. Her mother didn´t express her love to her in the way she preferred her to, yet the mother was there when her daughter really needed her to be there, and she gave her the support. Wow again.
Maybe it´s time to turn back to close people in your life, after asking yourself if you maybe had created a certain image in your head about them and about your relationship and with that have closed the doors of your heart for those people, not seeing their greatness, not appreciating that beauty in those people that is there and you just need to soften up to allow yourself to see it and cherish it. Even if they share their love in ways that you don´t see as the expression of love based on your criteria.
Time to call your parents? Or write to that friend you thought gave up on you because they are too busy to write? Without expectations. Remember, that the reality isn’t necessary such as we see it locked in our mind.